Characters[edit | edit source]


The Modern Bar[edit | edit source]

Barney[edit | edit source]

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A loser past his prime and in his late 40’s, Barney loves  the downtown bar scene. So much so that he always gets blasted drunk at the same first bar he goes to and forgets the friends that came with him left and went someplace else. And that just leaves drunk Barney to assume that every patron in the bar is  his friend. He works at a used merchandise store and lives at home with his mom still. He’s selfish and confrontational – a horrible trait to have at a bar when you’re already drunk. He’s also kind of a wimp, but has some sort of insecure validation that he’s got to prove that he can take you on. Annoying, right? And apart from knowing a little too much about strange legal drugs, Barney’s also single and doesn’t know why.

Gene[edit | edit source]

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Gene is an effeminate man who is also a devout Southern Baptist. He loves to read women’s magazines, and he’s really expressive with his hands to the point that people think he has Parkinson’s. He’s quick to judge people, like his wife, for their fashion choices. And, unlike you, he’s in touch with his emotions, and he doesn’t appreciate the fact that his wife complains that she sees him as a woman.

Eric[edit | edit source]

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Eric is a motivational speaker against alcoholism. Which is great, because he is  a raging alcoholic. Court ordered to only use Uber, he uses his life story as a warning message to others in his motivational speeches. Eric believes that, by being a drunk and essentially “drinking for a living”, it validates his work and you can’t judge him for it. To further add to this, there’s a viral video of him being hungover and then puking on stage at a high school, where he ends it by saying “And that’s why you don’t drink!” Eric’s also very judgy towards weed smokers and thinks that all drugs should be made illegal.

Carl[edit | edit source]

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Carl is a recently divorced man who’s 40 but tries to act like he’s 20. Out of touch with reality, Carl thinks he understands how to act young and fit in, but really he just looks like a loser. He hates his ex-wife but doesn’t realize that he was the problem in the relationship. His only friend is a 70 year old man named Jonsie who hates him at this point. On most nights, Carl can be found complaining and being confused about always being alone on social media.

Fred[edit | edit source]

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Right off the bat, you take one look at Fred and you can tell he loves  nu metal. He drinks three to five energy drinks a day and is always afraid he’ll get drug tested at his retail job. He’s also a conspiracy theorist nut, which causes him to always feel angry, powerless, scared and idolize Joe Rogan. A person who has the world’s worst temper, Fred masks his insecurities by working out to validate… something. No one quite really knows what. Also, don’t talk sH*T about his cargo shorts, otherwise he’ll scream at you about why they’re actually more beneficial than regular shorts.

Joe[edit | edit source]

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Joe is your average heavy blue collar worker with sleep apnea. A proud suburbian, he considers going into the city out of his comfort zone. And while he may be a skilled tradesman, he has no idea how to work a smartphone. A man who refuses to let women work in his crew, he also only listens to sports talk radio and Rush Limbaugh at the work site. He has a reputation of being “a walking OSHA violation”, and is the reason why OSHA now requires safety straps when you’re working with heights. One time he accidentally shot himself in the foot with a nail gun while trying to show a green thumb that they’re nothing to be afraid of. A man who looks forward to getting laid off, Joe has also suffered two heart attacks on the work site.

Roughio[edit | edit source]

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Roughio is proud of every stroke God used with his paintbrush to make him. He went to college for sports management, and look where that’s gotten him. He then wanted to be a cop, but didn’t pass the psychiatric evaluation. Which is probably for the best, since Roughio has a high pitched voice that causes him to go into a screaming, insecure rage about his voice not being high pitched at all. Banned from several bars, Roughio doesn’t believe veganism is real, and you can spot him driving to the same downtown bar every weekend alone in his 1989 Plymouth Horizon. Roughio once had a heart attack when he was just 26 years old, and he won’t tell anyone how or why. Coincidentally, that was the same year he started to get really ripped. A man who secretly cries a lot at night, Roughio can also quote all of Mark Wahlberg’s lines from The Departed  at the drop of a dime.

Becky[edit | edit source]

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It’s girls night out, and Becky’s leading the pack of MILFs. She lies about her age (says she 37, she’s actually 43) and is a wine girl at heart, but she loves to “get in touch with her wild side” with watered down whiskey. She loves to get white girl wasted and hopes her husband never sees her at the bar, because she can’t help that all the young guys are hitting on her (even though they’re really not). When she’s not busy being a fifth grade teacher, Becky loves to brag that drinking beer takes her back to her college days, and that she’s amazed that she was able to cram her ass into these pants. And even though she tries to act young, Becky sometimes hints that she’s heading into menopause. She’s also embarrassed to admit that she can’t afford designer clothes and buys the knock off brands from Walmart.

Chrissy[edit | edit source]

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Chrissy is a yoga instructor and a new age moron who believes in the power of magic crystals. She also just drinks microbrewed beer. Chrissy only dates men with exotic names like Zenon and Tristan. She went to college for ceramics and was shocked to realize upon graduation that her degree isn’t really all that useful. But it’s okay though - she’s a trust fund kid, but tries everything in her power to cover that fact up. For Christmas, her dad bought her stock in Tumblr and it seems now that her whole existence is to just do things for attention on social media, like protesting. She doesn’t actually do or mean anything when she says “thoughts and prayers!”  She’s also an artist who sells her overpriced jewelry online that no one buys. Easily offended, Chrissy balled her eyes out on November 9, 2016.

Brandy Randy[edit | edit source]

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Let’s just cut right to the chase: Brandy Randy is a shell of a man who puts on the worst tough guy persona. Case in point, he didn’t make the cut to get into the Hell’s Angels and is utterly embarrassed by this. Instead, he’s in a lame biker gang called “The Lone Men Riders” which is just a group of mid-50’s male bikers who are all painfully single or divorced. Randy had to actually pay $1,000 to get in and law enforcement just laughs at the gang. He also doesn’t even ride a Harley; he rides a Honda instead. That’s a big insecurity for him as well. He also can only afford to wear pleather biker outfits and still uses a flip phone, and he quickly gets out of breath. And despite his nickname (which he gave himself), Randy also has a weak stomach and can’t actually drink brandy.

Jay[edit | edit source]

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Jay is a bouncer who lied on his application to get the job at the failing modern bar. During his first night of work, it became apparent that he has no idea what the hell he’s doing at all. By day, Jay works at a daycare center where none of the children respect him. And by night, he nervously shows up to work as a bouncer and PRAYS no one starts anything. And if something does happen, Jay knows he’s going to have to quickly Google what to do and hopes no one sees him doing it.

David[edit | edit source]

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David is the owner of the modern bar, and he has no idea what he’s doing. He inherited the bar from his family, and in his tenure, it’s earned a reputation of being the worst bar in the city. Since his bar is a cesspool for bar fights, he partakes in them, thinking it’s what you’re supposed to do. So much so, that when your fists go flying, he asks you and your opponent if you want another shot. David’s bar is doing so bad in business that it’s gotten to the point where he’ll actually price match to other bars in the city.

The SALOON[edit | edit source]

Mike[edit | edit source]

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Mike is new to country music and is forcing himself to get into it. No one really knows why. He’s clearly from up north and has no idea how country music or southern culture works at all so why he dropped $150 on southern clothing is beyond you and me. A fan of “Garth Brook” as he calls him, Mike may be hiding behind the fact that he made a huge mistake but is clearly financially invested into being a country boy at this point that there’s no going back. Plus he threw out the receipts for all of his clothes.

Raw Dog[edit | edit source]

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Raw Dog’s the kind of bar patron that always promises himself that he won’t go hard, but inevitably always does. In true “Jekyll and Hyde” fashion, he comes to the bar as Ben, and leaves it as Raw Dog. He goes off on inane diatribes, talks about a gun that he never has on him, and doesn’t think about what he’s saying in the company of others. While only in his early 30’s, Raw Dog still thinks and lives like he’s 21. He makes the strangest of threats (like bragging about his pipe bombs), and oftentimes just says whatever is randomly on his mind. Loved by many but feared by all (mainly because they don’t know if and when he’ll just snap and actually  have a gun on him), Raw Dog is a staple of the downtown bar scene and a poster child for Alcoholics Anonymous.

Tina[edit | edit source]

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Tina is pure white trash. And not the fun kind either. She’s the kind of mom that’s shot out three kids from her and who can give zero sh*ts about them. Why be a mother when you can go out and get wasted? Ain’t no one got time to raise kids. She loves being single, staying up all night, and transferring responsibility of being a parent to her own mother. A real class act!

TRACY[edit | edit source]

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TRACY is your stereotypical southern girl who hunts animals and thinks camo never went out of style. Knowing that every gift she needs to get for Christmas can all be bought at Walmart, tracy likes to live a little when she can and goes out to the saloon for slim pickins’. When she’s not out drinking or crashing a truck into a McDonald’s sign, TRACY can be found at her home cleaning her guns with the safeties off and fantasizing about big game hunting.

Arjun[edit | edit source]

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Arjun came to the U.S. looking for love in all the wrong places. With his only concept of social interaction falsely programmed into him that you have to add everyone you see on Facebook as a friend, Arjun has been blocked from ever adding people again on the social media platform. Straight from the united kingdom, he drops English slang words and expects Americans to get them. Oblivious to how the world actually works, Arjun is looking for what is basically a mail order bride and has no idea that he’s going to be arrested for human trafficking in his future.

Earnest[edit | edit source]

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Earnest is a weird grown ass man who loves Kid Rock in 2018. Part unemployed hillbilly and part loser, he just talks and expects people to listen to him. But no one ever does because he’s redundant and useless. A man who always promises to quit drinking but doesn’t, it’s pretty clear that the saloon is Earnest’s home away from home.

Tyler[edit | edit source]

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Tyler is turning 21 and has no idea what the f he’s doing. He’s got a rich family and all his friends hate him. Why’s he at the saloon? Because he’s an idiot with a loud mouth. Tyler’s also just discovered Fight Club  and has now ruined that movie for everybody. He’s a virgin too but he’ll tell you elsewise and he’s already bragging that he’s an alcoholic.

Paul[edit | edit source]

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Paul, or Pauly as he insists you call him, is a Jersey Shore wannabe from Tacoma, Washington who doesn’t realize that show and its culture isn’t relevant anymore. Constantly needing to get his swole on, Paul mixes every drink he orders at the bar with Creatine. He likes to get into drunken bar fights in hopes that each one might get him endorsed by Tapout.

Steve[edit | edit source]

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Steve is a white 20 something who lives and breathes L.A. bro culture. He maintains a staggeringly low IQ of 69, which he happily tells to anybody that can tolerate him because he thinks it’s hilarious. He’s a dead-end loser who lives in his mom’s basement, but whenever he has a girl over he tells them that she’s his roommate who looks old for her age. Literally none of them believe him. Steve can be found bringing his own portable speaker into Gold’s gym and hitting on moms at Venice beach. Steve convinces himself that the reason he has no friends is because his rigorous workout schedule doesn’t allow him the time to make any, but his inability to maintain a friendship is a deep insecurity of his. Also, he’s a total momma’s boy, but he’ll kick your ass if you tell him that.  

Terrance[edit | edit source]

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Take one look at Terrance and you know his current life situation immediately: he’s a barista with crippling debt from art school. He’s the kind of guy who can’t help but to look at art and wonder is some of it is “slightly misogynistic”. You’ll also notice his man bun. It took him a month to get it just right (don’t touch it). Terrance also accidentally registered himself as a Republican, and now he can’t figure out how to undo that mistake. It’s cool though, Terrance is used to his panic attacks at this point. And not that it matters – Terrance isn’t actually politically active, but according to his social media accounts, he just lies and says he is. And while the saloon isn’t his scene, it’s a huge relief for Terrance, since he’s used to going to Bright Eyes  concerts and being the only adult male fan there.

Bouncer[edit | edit source]

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The saloon’s bouncer has a speech impediment that doesn’t bode well with the fact that the owners make him get dressed up like an extra from the film Urban Cowboy. Owning up to the way he talks though, the cowboy-dressed bouncer doesn’t let anyone get past him. Take him on, and you’ll find out not only why he’s the badass of his friend group, but why everyone also always calls him “da Powah House”.

Rooftop Bar[edit | edit source]

Blanka[edit | edit source]

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Blanka is your proverbial basic bitch. She wants to be InstaFamous, yet she only has 309 followers and has a major bout of insecurity when that number dips. She has an on again, off again boyfriend of nine years that she once broke up with because he didn’t use enough emoji’s. She’s the kind of girl who refuses to buy panties from Target and only buys them at Victoria’s Secret, and she has a tramp-stamp tattoo of a tiger. She graduated college years ago, yet still goes on spring break for some reason. But she also has her laid back side - she loves Game of Thrones (but doesn’t remember any of the characters), and on cheat days, she stuffs her face with pizza rolls and ranch dressing.

Trixy[edit | edit source]

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Trixy is a wedding crasher who dips in for the free food and drinks and just says she’s a “friend of the family”. She only drinks at rooftop bars, even if it’s the dead of winter. She body shames herself and everyone around her, and will always look for a guy to take her home because she refuses to pay for an Uber during a surge. She also plans on naming her first child “Regret”.

Carlos[edit | edit source]

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Carlos is in his early 30’s, and is attending the wedding because the groom is his roommate from college. he’s a struggling actor who's just had his big break after being hired as the spokesperson for a chain of pet stores in their new line of television commercials, where he dresses up as a dog and sings an insufferable jingle for 45 seconds. His pet store money is not enough to allow him to live comfortably, meaning that Carlos juggles a handful of part-time jobs, all the while convincing himself that he’s a gifted actor who is on the fast track to stardom.

Bodyguard[edit | edit source]

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The bodyguard works for Carlos. Thing is, he’s got crippling social anxiety. Taking the job for the money and doing his best to shred his muscles, the Bodyguard does his best to mask his social insecurities but ultimately has a lot of work to do still. All he can hope for is that Carlos gets drunk enough to not remember he’s there and then he can dip out.

Bride[edit | edit source]

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The bride is having her third wedding today and it looks like a fourth one is in her near future. A gold digger and a flake, she’s very selfish and expects the world to hand everything to her. But her parents wised up and didn’t foot the bill for her third go at the altar. It’s cool though, she’s got a good divorce lawyer lined up in case this one falls through again.

Groom[edit | edit source]

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The Groom is getting married the second time around but doesn’t realize he preferred being a single dad to his daughter. His thought process is a culmination of living life like he’s in a movie (and quoting them too), which doesn’t work when you’re in your mid 30s and you have a kid. He just wants this day to go according to plan but loses his sh*t when you start destroying everything and he realizes his new wife isn’t going to fight his fight for him.

Nathan[edit | edit source]

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Nathan is a serial killer who puts on one personna but when the demons start talking, he basically turns into a cosplay of Ted Bundy. He knows where you live, he’ll follow you home, and maybe you’ll go missing the next morning. He’s also a huge fan of the movie Flashdance.

Rooftop Bouncer[edit | edit source]

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The rooftop bouncer is a laid back dude who doesn’t give a sh*t about his job. Is he high or drunk? Does it really matter? He just wants his shift to be over with so he can go home and eat Steak Umms and then get high and drunk all over again. He just has one rule: don’t talk sh*t about his 2005 Limited Edition PT Cruiser Convertible with a 2.4 liter turbo engine. He’s crazy about that thing.

Martin[edit | edit source]

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Martin is a spoiled hedge fund brat with sociopathic tendencies who has never had sex. To fight back against the world who deprived him of women for years, Martin started a pharmaceutical company that buys life saving drugs and up charges the hell out of them. He likes to brag about dipping his hand into cryptocurrencies, even though he’s lost money on BitCoin. Owner of the rooftop bar, Martin hangs out with all his patrons and tries to blend in, but his lack of social cues always blows up in his face.

The ALLEY[edit | edit source]

THE CHEAP HOBO[edit | edit source]

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A calm and collected man, the educated but cheap hobo chooses to fight with soft words and reasoning, the complete opposite of the trope one would expect of a crazy homeless person in the city. HE CAN EASILY AFFORD TO BUY A HOME AND LIVE IN A LUXURIOUS NEIGHBORHOOD due to the job he works at, BUT THEN HE’D HAVE TO PAY PROPERTY TAXES, SO WHY NOT JUST LIVE oN THE STREETS for free?

THE NECKBEARD[edit | edit source]

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A fedora-wearing neckbeard who thinks the world owes him everything, including sex, which is why he’s in the back alley waiting for his Tinder date. His intelligence reigns supreme over everyones, and he will let you know that.

THE THEATER SKINHEAD[edit | edit source]

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THis street thug was feared by almost everyone who locked eyes with him, but after a community theater was opened up in a sketchy neighborhood, one shooting led to another and this social degenerate BECAME An understudy. Turns out, he’s a born dancer - he knew it from the very first time he curb stomped someone.

THE INSECURE GANGBANGER[edit | edit source]

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THIS latin king is anything but - he’s too self-conscious to actually ever harm someone, and he’s always afraid he’s on the wrong turf. He was once in a gang, but they kicked him out when he casually let it drop that his cousin’s all work for the dea and fbi. Now he’s looking to get his first arrest for just shooting his gun one or two times IN THE AIR just to impress some cops.

THE REAL LIFE SUPERHERO[edit | edit source]

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Oh god. This watered down version of batman is, sadly, real. Thing is, DESPITE WHAT HE’LL TELL YOU, he ACTUALLY has no superpowers. You know, the one thing that makes you a superhero? He thinks he’s above the law, BUT HIS ONLY WEAKNESS IS FISTS. WHEN HE’S NOT BUSY PATROLLING THE ALLEY, HE’S BUSY COMPLAINING THAT EVERYONE WHO WORKS OUT IS TECHNICALLY CHEATING, SO HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BEAT THEM IN A FIGHT?

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